i'm still alive... how strange!
i either felt the need to update on here or OD just to catalogue that i have no disappeared off the face of the earth in the past few months

if anything my position on the earth has only become more glimmering than usual, the point of stasis i am in means that there is no way i can ever be wiped off the earth anymore as for some strange reason i feel more like a real person
and because i've turned 18 i am part of the big real weird world... when i was younger i chose to ignore this world but now i'm going to university and am having my bank account converted to an adult one which includes a debit card and taxes maybe...

my point being now i'm an old woman it would be much harder to wipe me off the face of the planet and in some ways that makes me feel quite happy but in other ways it makes me feel trapped but i think i'm more happy than sad... i think... maybe i'm not
one thing i've yet to get used to is figuring out exactly how i'm feeling
i've never quite managed it and never really wanted to pinpoint how i feel about anything, i just like being what i am and just accepting that
i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing

it's really confusing when i decide to yell at someone for no reason but for the most part that's what most people in my house do when we're peeved. sometimes i wonder, hey i'm yelling and being incredibly rude and i have no real reason, maybe i should stop, maybe i should wipe this condescending glare off my face, maybe i should apologise... i normally push my bad mood as far it will go then tire of it and eat some chocolate and watch friends
problem is my parents and sister are quite susceptible to bad moods and it can whip around the house faster than me brushing my hair in the morning (i forget usually to brush my hair...)

i get over things fast and i don't become attached to things unless i have a really good reason like 'this watch is amazing, it has the time on my wrist, i don't have to rummage in my pockets for my phone and grab that to tell the time, this is amazing! i'm never taking it off!' or 'this phone is amazing! it sends me messages from people who rarely message me back and it rings when my dad wants to get in touch with me and i never know because it's on vibrate and my thighs of steel can't feel it so he gets concerned and shouts at me for being ignorant and in lala land. i must never leave the house without it.'
only really useful or pretty things i get really attached to.
like christian bale. it's not just because he's pretty though, it's because i admire the fact that he nevers gets topless for a sex scene. (unless he's going to kill or torture his partner before or after)
it leaves a slightly large amount to the imagination which is handy for when i daydream about what it would be like if i was in the big brother house (more boring) or how my parents would react if i brought home a homeless busker with an ear missing... (they'd hit the ceiling then the roof then the moon i assure you.)

oh right the important stuff! is anyone going to actually read this ramble i wonder?
i got into university! hooray! i needed BBC to get in and when i went to get my results it had a post-it on (possibly the most bizarre and brilliant things ever invented) telling me to see the head of year. having not looked at my results it's fair to say in her blunt brisk manner it was quite shell shocking to be told "right so you didn't get into your first choice... or your second! go check on that UCAS site that tells the truth and tell me if you got into university so i can tick you off my on endless list that will hopefully prove nearly everyone got into university in this 6th form college. look at me. just go upstairs to the computers and stop looking so upset! go!"
i may have embellished the middle bit as she didn't need to say that i could tell from her ticking off everyone on her massive list but she did say the last bit which i really did not appreciate.
i got CCC it turned out and on the computer site it told me my second choice Northumbria had accepted me. i'm pretty sure what i was feeling was disbelief until my parents took me for a meal and i had three vodka and cokes and suddenly everything melted away and i just felt cheerful and relaxed and didn't particularly care anymore.

more drinks were drunk and i went out with my friends to celebrate and i got hammered, i think my thoughts had been throughout the day i need to be unconcious so fair to say i drank enough to do that... i kind of wish i hadn't and what i do remember of the night i'm damn embarassed about but i think everyone has to go waaaaaaaaay over their limit at one point and i took that waaaaaaay and stretched it a little bit further just for good measure.
my hangover and forgetfulness ensured me i didn't want to remember that night or bother with it so i'm not going to.

i got a laptop for my birthday, it's great for playing solitaire on and looking at the big brother site when the whoever in our street has unrestricted wifi connection goes on the internet and i can use it too, or me and my sister go to the pub and order cokes and sit with our laptops and get berated by drunk charvs.

also been watching a bajllion dvds for no reason aside from some days can be wasted really well if you have about four dvds you've never seen before and just sit in front of the really big television and eat cereal and microwavable noodles and watch them all... i don't just do that with my life, i also watch the olympics sometimes, the cycling is much fun to witness!

what else can i ramble about...
oh yes my other job, i always said how much i love working the hotel meeting all these different people and having a random peek into their lives, yes i thoroughly enjoy being a bed and breakfast chambermaid even if the pay is crap
now i've got a job at the stadium of light (sunderland's football pitch) which is equally crap pay equally crap hours without the look into people's souls and instead i wear a baseball cap and baggy polo shirt and give already drunk football supporters bottles of fosters. the tricky part is getting the caps off, i have to ping them off before giving them them, then they fizz all over or splash me in the belly and i get all soggy usually. it's a stupid job but someone has to do it. they are a rowdy bunch and sing very loudly.
the happy fat lady who runs our area and has specific favouritism for our bar told me it's mad and crazy but it's a lot of fun and i felt like saying - 'no it's not that fun really, they are all drunk and stupid and stare at me for long unnerving periods of time when i can't work the till'
aside from that i still need another job so bummer there.
i don't think i could manage three jobs, it would be ultimately depressing when i get to university and have to do that too.

anything else going on in my life i really feel the need to stick on the internet?
i bought hair removal cream the other day which i slathered over my legs and waited expectantly for my hair to just drop off... it worked mostly... it's better than shaving in which i always manage to savage myself when doing.
i managed to take a chunk out of my ankle when doing it last time and declared there must be a more humane way of getting rid of hair on my bloody legs! the term bloody was really appropriate considering my ankle was haemorrhaging all over a bath towel at this point.

now i really don't want to finish this with a stupid story about me slicing and dicing my leg and coming up with a more humane solution, it's seem really ridiculous now...

oh yeah the sister has a cold
oh and my birthday was alright, except for Aunt Sheila who i was sincerely worried about causing a scene managed to do so spectacularly
my annoying great aunt has a new party trick when she's inebriated, she slaps her husbands bum and he burps really loudly and groans... it's a really interesting trick but it was a bit smelly and i was slightly drunk and delirious from gaining another year and i was sitting in utter awe and shock at the display... she thought it would have more of an effect if she did it repeatedly with increasing speed and laughing manically while doing it... the pair of them disturb me when i wonder what they do when they are alone and wrinkly...
not one member of my family is sane
not one!

right that story is worse than the hair removal lesson... i'm going to stop now before i disturb anyone who has gotten this far.