i need my brain examined
today was rather interesting for two reasons
i bought a flower on the way to town, it's like one of those yellow sunflowers that you see everyone with, it s one of the most handsome flowers i ve ever seen
my hand clasped around it all day, it was so yellow and i bought a bunch of glowsticks and my hair was curcly
second reason being it felt like a really cheap movie being replayed twice in a modern twist - in the book we're reading in english there are two endings, a victorian ending which is happy and wholesome and a modern ending that is ironic and distressing for everyone involved
its the modern one if you're wondering
it wasn't ironic for me as it was for him...

got my flower and went to the town and met everyone
and then me kath, nathan anth jonny and alex bummed around the town for a bit meeting with chris getting glowsticks and we all went to subway and ate and played cards
then went to the park and played cards
there was an intense snap tournament at one point
clare appeared and we all had a good mooch
in the end alex walked off after i spent pretty much all day not knowing what to say around him, feeling generally uncomfortable and out of place with him near me
he was upset
i got that
they told me to go after him and talk to him
what would i say?
i made a long winded point about me being drunk which actually involved much reminiscence about past drunken escapades and after much chuntering and babbling around not getting to the point i made it quite subtley
people ask me out when i get drunk and i don't remember, if i find someone near me when i m drunk i latch onto them and that's it, their lips belong to me
alex was the unfortunate victim of this issue i have with my drunken loose lips, normally this is crossley and he thinks very little of it, or just nothing at all... others get different ideas
he asked me out and i was confused and said yes

he s my friend
we ve been that way for years
and the replay is of a time when i asked him out and he told me he'd think about it
we went to the beach all together the next day and he ignored me and avoided me all day and told me a few weeks later he didn't think it was a good idea

in short what happened today can be justified
but it wasn't nice
it made me feel awful
maybe the reason i dislike alex right now and general commitment aside from being labeled a commitment phobe by kath is because i just don't wany anything too heavy... crossley, we smooch we carry on we gnaw eachother's skin etc and then in the morning its left
no awkwardness or nothing
its liberating
it's simple
no strings attached
when i m feeling lonely i want strings to be attached and i want us like puppets to dance a happy jig but i think just the general thing is i dislike him when i m sobre and i lust-love him when i m inebriated but that's alright isn't it...

i don't want to know actually
having it written down makes it more clear... or not... alex is in the friends zone and crossley... he hasn't gotten to that point yet
everyone thinks i m awful
i think i m awful
i wholeheartedly agree about awfulness