i have a boyfriend
can't believe it
i should though

why did he ask me out the second i have a chance to get over him and turn to another guy
a guy who shows drunken enthusiasm
he missed his chance... he doesn't give me butterflies anymore
someone else does
why did i say yes...
i was lonely
then i realised i had made a mistake
i don't want to hurt him now
i don't want to tell him if he wishes to kiss me he should just do it and not keep glancing at me hoping to catch my eye and then hoping i ll kiss him
he's so cautious
awkward
sweet
kind
cute
i fancied him for two years and it's weird to be sitting with him holding his hand babbling on about nothing and him keep trying to gaze into my eyes and for me to keep looking at my shoes and giggling embarassed
totally ruins the mood and he can't kiss me because my hair covers my cheeks
i m terrible
thinking about it makes me feel foolish and like i m lying to him by being there with him when i'm that uncomfortable
the term let's just be friends always seems so stale
i ve waited so long for him to ask me out and i should be happy when it finally happens but there's that comparison of others now, i went out and saw other people and met other people and other people have held me in their arms and other people have told me so many lies about how beautiful i am and i didn't need him then and now i have him it's like i never wanted him to begin with

i m awful
i have what i've always wanted and now i want something else
someone else
once again someone who doesn't want me
this is why i m destined to be alone in life lol
it's not what i expected
it's not what i wanted... i wanted something more... i wanted him to want me as much as i wanted him
i dont want him anymore and it's just damn terrible
i should have said no